Monday, August 22, 2011

How does the world go on?





Have you ever had a moment where you feel like your heart has just stopped beating? I just had one of those.



You know when two people are just meant for each other from the moment they meet? My friends KJ & Macie where just like that. So it was no surprise when they got married. They had a beautiful little girl, and it was a storybook family.



Of course they had more love to give. When Macie found out she was expecting again everyone was so overjoyed. They are such good parents, I thought, I am so happy for them. Better news yet, it was a boy. Only the ultrasound didn't leave them with just that happy thought. The baby was small, really small.



They proceeded with caution and did everything they could. The baby stopped growing. They tested to see if the child was down syndrome or if he had other diseases. Nothing was conclusive.



When Macie went into labor three weeks before her due date they where anxious. It wasn't terribly early, but they knew the baby could have serious problems.



His birth weight was just two pounds, but his parents didn't care. He seemed to be healthy otherwise. Of course they would have to keep him in the NICU until his weight went up, but the outlook was hopeful.



They named him Kevin Jonathan after his father and called him little Johnny. After just a few weeks, it was clear the outlook wasn't as hopeful as first predicted. He would need Cataract surgery on both his eyes and when he got a little bigger he would need several operations on his heart.



They fought and struggled for seven months, he went through surgery after surgery. He wore glasses. He had constant infections. He never knew a life without a tube attached to him.



Finally, the day came. The breakthrough they had been waiting for. They where allowed to bring him home. I don't know everything that happened in that time, and now I wish I had been there for them. But at least they had him at home with them, if only for a little while.



This morning I found out Johnny died. My heart sank straight to my toes. After all this family had been through. After how hard they fought, to have it come to that -- there are no words.



I suddenly felt completely selfish. Just moments before I had gotten mad at my son becasue he wouldn't go to bed. How trivial! How base was that unpretentious thought? I felt, I feel, lower than scum.



It was moment where I wondered how anyone else was going through their everyday mundane lives. A child just died! Shouldn't the world stop for that? I wish I had all the answers. I wish I had the perfect thing to say to this family, but I don't. Today, I am out of answers.



Rest in peace, little Johnny.



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