Wednesday, December 7, 2011

That Deep Dark Hole in My Chest

Confession time. Time to spill it all out on paper and let you know how insecure I really am. That's right, it's a new month and time for The Insecure Writers Support Group.

Last month I was feeling pretty confident, confident enough to conquer NaNoWriMo. But this month, I have my doubts. The word on the grapevine is that it's totally normal to feel a low after you just worked your butt off for 30 days.

I don't know if low is the right word, but I haven't written anything. Which is okay, becasue I think I can take a break and let my WIP sit and cool awhile so I can come back to it fresh. No, I have a bigger fear. It's something that has held me back to this point.

I'm afraid to Query, and I'm afraid to Publish.

I still think putting EARTH SONG aside and working on EXISTENCE was the right choice, but the truth is, I am so afraid of getting rejected (and not obtaining the perfection I long for) that I gave up on EARTH SONG.

I know rejection is part of being a writer. Every writer has been rejected at one time or another, it is something we must experience to grow. Yet, I don't really know that I'm capable of polishing something to the point that I'm ready to give it to the world.

You see that anthology sitting in the top right corner? Those lovely ladies offered to publish me and you know what I told them? I told them I wasn't interested becasue I didn't think the story was ready.

After they needled me and encouraged me for a bit, I worked on it and let them have it. Now there it is, available on e-book. And I still want to take it back. Why? Because it's not perfect.

The truth is, I wasn't given half the talent some of you have. The truth is, I feel like I'm going to work my whole life and never get there. The truth is, I'm afraid I won't succeed so I don't even want to try.

If only you knew how many times my mouse has hoovered over the delete blog button, how many times I have written posts telling all of you that I'm done being a writer. But here I am, still soldiering on.

I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. It's been burning a hole in me for quite sometime. I don't know that it can be cured. It's something I've just been working around, but I don't think it will ever go away. I guess it's more of a heads up. I'm just letting you know, don't expect to ever see a book from me, becasue I'm a chicken who won't even write a query letter.

But don't worry, I never intend to stop writing -- even if I never publish.
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